Ahh, you suave romantic men you. You’ve met the woman of your dreams, you’ve fallen head over heels in love, and now you’re keen to make the bold step and ask them to move in with you. It’s a beautiful moment, that will inevitably lead to many a romantic evenings spent in each others company, sharing endless bottles of wine and, most importantly, being treated to sex on tap – right?
The beautiful image of living with your wonderful lady is a wonderful first step on your journey to happiness. But are you really prepared for your bachelor pad of dreams to be interrupted by the love of your life’s ladylike ways? Let me impart my womanly wisdom from the world of hair products and tampons.
“Love is not finding someone you can live with – it’s finding someone you can’t live without.”
1) Your opinion is always wrong
This normally comes down to clothing. If a woman ever asks you “what do you think of this?”, really they’re just waiting to see if you agree with their opinion. A simple way to avoid this can’t-win situation is to say “Ooh!… what do you think?” Women are normally keen to tell you their own opinion anyway, so once you’ve judged whether they like it or not, you can nod along or shake your head appropriately. A fool-proof solution.
2) Your helpful advice is also wrong
This is mostly a weight thing. No matter how many times your lady whinges about being fat, or needing to go on a diet, or wanting to lose some weight, the answer is always “don’t be silly darling, you look gorgeous!” Even if she then continues her body-image rant, stick to the pre-approved phrase. Answers to avoid at all costs include “Well go to the gym then”, or “Just try cutting back a bit”, or even “Serves you right for eating that entire box of Jaffa Cakes last night” (guilty.)
We won’t ever tell you about it, and you’ll never know it’s happening, but every now and again, you’ll suddenly see our beautifully moisturised pins being waved around in your face yet again. Just don’t ever mention it – don’t say “Ooh, you shaved!” or ask when her next ‘proper shower’ is gonna be, or even wonder where she keeps her womanly supplies. You need not question the shaving occurrence, just accept that it will happen, and make sure you appreciate it when it does.
4) Any remaining hair gets everywhere
Don’t even try to clean it up. A lady’s hair gets everywhere. Especially between the sheets. You can’t give us a good romping and expect us not to malt all over you. You’ll find stray hairs in your pillow, you’ll find stray hairs on the sofa, you’ll even find stray hairs making their way into your laundry and will thus be digging it out from a fresh pair of pants. And don’t even bother trying to work out how it ended up between your bum cheeks.
5) Women have periods – but you don’t need to know about that either
This goes for the same as the shaving – just don’t mention it. It’s quite okay to pretend it doesn’t happen and to be blissfully ignorant every time it occurs. Be there if she needs you, and by all means offer hot water bottles, paracetamol and endless sofa snuggles in full abundance, but don’t ever play the “are you on your period?” card – or face the deserved consequences.
“The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.” – A P Herbert
Women bring with them many tools of the trade – tweezers, nail files, a variety of hairbrushes. It is to be learnt very quickly that these are solely for woman’s use. It is simply unacceptable to ask for borrow a woman’s nail clippers to maintain those smelly man feet of yours, as is using our tweezers to pluck that ingrown hair from your man junk. Just no.
7) The same goes for body products
Expensive shampoo, fancy moisturiser, cleansing facewipes – these are not intended for manly use. If you’re mid shower and realise you’ve run out of body wash, don’t reach for the tiny, yet horrifically overpriced, bottle of exfoliating cleanser to scrub your manliness with. You have your Lynx for that.
8) The fridge works both ways…
If you’ve ever had a roommate, you’ll know the dramas that the shared fridge brings. Whilst a romantic encounter softens this blow a little bit, if you have goodies you wanna keep for yourself, expect that she’ll bring her own supply of tasty delights that you are strictly not allowed either. A shared box of chocolates after dinner, sure, but don’t be stealing our Galaxy whilst we’re out of the house. Nope nope nope.
9) … So does the shopping
You’ll have to share the shopping. Whether this means you go together, and both add items to the trolley (an ultimate win in my books), or you both go individually, there’s gonna be added bonuses added to either basket. Accept that you’ll end up paying for her hair products every now and again, and learn to be bold when checking out with a box of tampons. We feel the same when buying condoms, so it works both ways.
10) All you have to do is ask
Sometimes, women do stuff wrong. Whether it’s putting the glasses in the wrong cupboard, not hanging up the towels correctly, or failing to rearrange the scatter cushions in the appropriate order (men what are you doing with this anyway), rather than leaving it to build into a nit-picky argument, all you have to do is ask. A simple “Hey honey, would you mind doing it this way instead?” works a billion times better than “How many more times are you going to get this wrong?” If you don’t tell us, we won’t know. Although we like to think we are, we’re not mind readers.
But if you can bare to survive the ups and downs that come with cohabiting with the love of your life, you’ll soon realise how wonderful it is knowing every morning you wake up, we’ll be there next to you ready for cuddles and before-work kisses. Plus, the rumour is (sometimes) true – sex on tap. Win.