You don’t have to be a playboy loving lad to know that Tinder probably isn’t the best and most reliable route to love in the modern era. Us millennials love a quick swipe – it’s as simple as online shopping, with all the flirt of Friday night drinks but with the luxury of Sunday night pyjamas. It’s shit – but we love it.
I, like a lot of people, missed the original hype of Tinder when it was released back in 2012, as I was already shacked up. Even now when I speak to my girlfriends, they all say they’ve missed out on the joys of mobile dating, with many unsure of how the app even works.
So to satisfy the boredom of infinite Netflix and pizza nights, I bought into the swiping sensation of Tinder.
For those who haven’t used it, in a nutshell, you shop your way through profile pictures of men, swiping the photo right if you like them, and left if you don’t. You only get to see a couple of photos and, if you’re lucky, a short bio. The magic of Tinder is you can only message them if they swipe right for you too. If you both like each other, then you match, and then, and only then, do you get to chat.
It’s mostly seen as a quick way of hooking up, which is partly true, but I do know relationships that have blossomed through a good ol’ swipe. It’s a quick and easy way of finding singledoms who live nearby. And sometimes, that’s all it takes.
Vanity Fair recently ran their ‘Tinder and the Dawn of the “Dating Apocalypse”’ article, discussing the problems and consequences of dating on screen. Nearly everyone asked said that they see it as a bit of fun, nothing serious, and an easy way of meeting their many matches.
Love it or loathe it, Tinder is fundamental in today’s dating scene.
But, seeing as the latest dating service has been out and about for nearly 3 years, you’d have thought it would have weeded out the slackers, the liars, and the down right rejects with unacceptable profiles.
So let me help you out guys – 21 things the men of Tinder still haven’t learnt.
- No one is going to message you if you only have 5 group photos of yourself. We don’t want to have to work to find out who you are. If your main profile picture isn’t a passport-acceptable headshot, there’s no point looking further.
- (As a side note to this, it’s a common psychological theory that if you’re profile is a photo with more than one person in it, you’re the ugliest person in the shot. No one would promote themselves with their ugly friends ruining their best selfie. Harsh, but kinda true.)
- Same goes for a skiing helmet and goggles. Sure, you look like a stylish snowsports enthusiast, but we don’t care about how iridescent your goggles are. Show us your damn face.
- (Also, sunglasses. Don’t post 5 pictures all wearing sunglasses. It’s cheating. Anyone can look cool in some mirrored aviators. We’re onto you.)
- Actually, don’t post any skiing pictures at all. A photo of you in the distance on a snowboard does not make you look like a cool, cosmopolitan man from the likes of Made in Chelsea. It makes you look like a try hard. Lots of people go skiing. Lots of them are not cool, cosmopolitan men. So we’re not buying it.
- Same with tigers, or lions, or whatever sedated and bullied animal you think makes you look like a well travelled and totally chill dude just returning from your gap yah. Again, just a knob.
- No gym selfies.
- For goodness sake, put a bio. Even if it’s just one sentence, it turns you from an empty face into a personality. You’ll get far more response, even from just a sentence saying “I’m James and I work as a quantity surveyor”. Something silly works well too – just anything to encourage conversation.
- Don’t put your snapchat. Partly because no one uses it anymore, but mostly because we know we’re just going to be greeted with topless shots of how much of a ‘lad’ you are as you prepare for a night out. Again, nothing sexy about that.
- Don’t put your height, especially if you’re going to follow it with “apparently this is important to some girls.” You’re on a site dedicated to face value. Either embrace it or don’t.
- Opening with “Hey” is never gonna work. Even a cheesy and shit chat up line will work better. “Hey” gives us nothing to play with. A swift un-match.
- The best openers are either personal, referencing their bio or pics, or something funny. I genuinely know marriages that have started from “Marmite – love or hate?”
- Alternatively, compliments still work. “You look pretty” is still fine.
- I hate for it to still be true, but it’s only really going to work if you message first. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for strong independent woman power, and I’ll happily drop a message to any guy I deem worthy, but most women will automatically accept no response as not interested. You swiped right in the first place, at least follow it up.
- And don’t swipe right on people with no photo. When I first joined, I left it a good few weeks without committing to a headshot. Just having a quiet lurk. And I was still getting matches. It’s just not cool swiping on the default picture.
- People who say “I’m just on here to meet new friends not interested in a relationship.” What are you even doing on Tinder. Tinder is no place for you. Leave.
- Equally, the “looking for a third friend to join our fun” – it ain’t the scene. There’s other apps for hook ups and kinks and the such; Tinder is harmless fun. Leave us to it.
- Don’t put a photo of you cuddling a baby, and then scream “BABY’S NOT MINE” in the description. A photo of you cuddling a baby doesn’t make you look like a soft, sensitive guy – it makes you look like a dad. Swipe left.
- Same goes for cuddly shots with other girls, labelled as “THE GIRL IS MY SISTER.” Good for you.
- We don’t want to see a picture of your car. Or your weights bench. Or a big pint of beer. Show us you.
- And, finally, there is no game in having a cock shot as your profile picture. Under tightie-whities, poking through boxers or an artistic dimly lit shot, you’re not impressing anyone. End of.