#blessed – an ode to Twitter

I love Twitter. I’m sorry, Instagrammers and Facebookers (I have no idea who even Facebooks anymore, I only post stuff to impress the two guys I still have any mild interest in.) Not following? Come and join the fun. See you on the flipside…

 

Oh I owe my heart to Twitter
(Where old lovers say ‘Wow she got fitter!’)
Forget the Facebook soccer mom,
And come join us on Twitter.com
FarmVille and Candy Crush
Over here you keep it hush
“I don’t get Twitter”, they all say.
If you don’t have it, you’ll never stay.
“What’s a retweet?”, these newbies ask.
Explaining a hashtag is a tedious task.
Some people stick with five followers and try
Thinking they’ve cracked it by following Stephen Fry
But unless you really get the game
You’re not worthy of the @ before your name

You might know me from that time when I
Prophesied Bruce Forsyth would die
17 thousand likes in less than a day
Got myself trending in a weird sort of way
The Poke, the Metro, wanted in on the mess
Hey! Mum! I’m totes Twitter famous!
So to new followers I’ve managed to recruit,
Welcome! I won’t make you hit mute.
A lot are pervs, I can’t deny,
(Yes I’m talking to you ugly old guy)
But after some good replies plus a few favs,
I know we’ll be sharing them threads for days.
The guys in my DMs, they’re a different breed
Including one who started a Forsyth good deed.

But all of them really don’t matter
As my favourite rockstar offers good patter
He slid in deep – to my messages, dur.
The love of my life from Steel Panther.
In the Beano days, it was just a fan letter
But the beauty of Twitter gets you one step better.
Personal chat that isn’t considered rude
But alas I’m still waiting for a rockstar nude..

My friends are international, too
A Scottish guy who talks about Irn Bru,
An Irish desperate for this English Rose
And plenty of yanks to keep me on my toes.
Those I’ve met at festivals and out at gigs
Those who sell makeup or costume wigs.

It gets even funnier when you chat with big brands
With the reputation of the company left in their hands
Polite response or witty retorts
Or, mostly, dealing with shouty last resorts.

Thanks for listening to all my tosh
Everyone who’s visited Rebecca When I’m Posh.
This feed it isn’t really me
I don’t live up to the bants you see
I’m not as sassy, I like to think
I’m only high maintenance after a drink
A charactatieur of the real Becky I’d say
(But I prefer it any day)
Sex and seatbelts, that’s the vibe
Although you won’t see me on DriveTribe..

That’s another thing I’ll stress
From my time at Auto Express
Most you lot are a car mad nut
That’s fine with me, join the fun! But
Even though I’m now Top Gear bound
I don’t know the best 4×4 for rugged ground
I’m not very good over 50 miles an hour,
I don’t know torque or the most horse power
But welcome aboard, you’ll get it when
We share appreciation of the DB10.

And yes! The beauty of the gif!
(Is it pronounced gif or gif or gif?)
So much joy with one animation
An eye roll, The Office or the salt bae sensation
Plus I never realised I’d find so dreamy
A guy that hits me up via meme
(Pronunciation fun, the jokes not over,
My comedy has layers just like an ogre,
I know it’s meeem, it’s clear to see,
Plus yknow Somebody once told me…)

Friendships built through common lols
Sharing selfies and pics on hols
Friends of colour, creed and age
Help as I’m coming out of my cage…

Gotta love that cheeky subtweet
About that girl you’ll never meet
I mean don’t think me as a snitch
But next time just @ me bitch.

I’m not wasting breath on Donald Trump
We all know it only rhymes with dump
He’s putting my people into a slump
You ignorant, stupid, offensive orange lump.

I have my moments, do not worry
But equally I’m #sorrynotsorry
I’ve got opinions but don’t hate
Just name a more iconic duo, I’ll wait.
It’s Harambe (RIP) we’ve got to thank
For keeping those memes oh so dank
Omg how is this site free!?
With daily gems of covfefe
It’s mostly shit about the weather
Plus sex is great, but have you ever…
I like to think I am quite funny
But for now SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY

My odd little gathering of strangers and friends
Who’ve grown with me through all the trends
And share with me my Tinder fun
My dating dramas, my number ones
My Southern rail rantings and angry tweets
Keeping me occupied for weeks
You guys all help me when I’m stressed
And for that, I’m feeling hashtag blessed ❤️

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